I am now in a place I hoped to never be.
One week ago today my Mom was diagnosed with colon cancer.
Shock, fear, questions and tears pretty much sum up the last week for me.
The "fog" is thick and I feel like it is hard to breathe.
I think the not knowing is the hardest part.We aren't sure on exact details yet.
They won't know those until after surgery.
What we do know:It is definitely cancer.
It is grade 2...which from what I understand isn't super aggressive (at least "less"aggressive than it could be)
She will most likely have to under go a surgery, chemo, and radiation.
That her blood test and scan looked "good"...(as in they don't see any big signs that is has spread)
What we don't know:What stage the cancer is in.
What order those treatments will come in.
It is such a different thing when it is so close.
The pain inside is almost unbearable.
But there is hope.
Hope is the light that will begin to lead through the darkest hour. It will enable us to go forward.
There is hope because of our Savior.
He knows this feeling.
He knows my heart.
He knows hers.
He has shouldered this burden.
This exact one.
He is there to lift us.
He is there to guide.
He is aware of her.
Of our family in this exact moment.
He is making this known quite clearly through his tender mercies.
He is aware of her....She was guided to the right place to receive this news. There were people there who could talk to her about personal experiences that only they had. She received so much there. She filled an emotional well there to use up later.She works in the field of medicine. She has so many connections. Connections to doctors... to people who have done this...to people who know answers.She has friends who are going through and who have gone through this. She is talking to them and "running" into them almost every day.
He is aware of our family...My sister just moved to a new city. She has made great friends with a neighbor...who has a husband...who has done this very thing. She has someone to go to there. Someone who gets it.I have friends who have first hand experience with parents and cancer. They know where I am. They talk me off the edge almost daily.We have family. Namely the "sisters". Who came...and loved...and lifted ...and laughed.We have the other 3 sisters who just get it. They get the big, hard, ugly stuff and help us to remember to keep our heads where they should be.
One last one experience that I don't want to forget.On the day that I found out, I had just gotten home from taking Parker to school.
I was in an ugly, black place. I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know what to do.
I was pacing and Aubrei was crying.
There was a knock at the door. I didn't recognize the car in the drive way.I was not going to open the door. Not ready to face anyone right then.
Not 2 hours after this news.But I did. (Only because I had left the garage door open and they could see my car.)
I'm sure I was a sight.
Behind the door was the proof.
Proof that He is aware of me.
The Relief Society President and her counselor were standing there with a bag.
They had felt that they needed to stop and see how I was.
I didn't tell them.
I knew that I already had what I was supposed to get from them
They said they were bringing me some apples...and could I use some?
Well actually no...I didn't need apples. My dad owns a huge produce stand. I think most people in this small town know that. He has plenty of apples if I want them.
What I needed right then was love.
A message of love from my Father in Heaven.
Letting me know that his arms were there to hold me up.
Reminding me to be strong.
To rely on him.
And I am...completely.
**I am going with Mom tomorrow to her appointment with her oncologist. We will hopefully get a plan and some more information. Please remember her in your prayers.
Our prayers are with her & all of you, JaLee. These are tough times, but you have the right attitude. Heavenly Father will bless you - I felt his arms around me many times when I was going through our trials this summer with dad. I still do. Kirk & I both hope for the very best for your mom and that she will have the courage and strength to get through it.
This is proof that you really are stronger than you think you are. You will all bear this triumphantly and you will all come out on top. We love you guys and are praying for you constantly. Our Savior is with you, and he will not leave your side. John 14:18 SDLY
Haley is right. Everything we have been through you have experienced with us. You know how to be brave, you know where to turn for peace. You are already more amazing than you think you are. D&C 121: 7-9. SDLY
Beanie,Here I am at 9:41pm doing my "favorite reading", the niece's blogs. I am hooked.You summed up this past week for us pretty accurately. Thank you for doing that. I have had a pretty heavy heart since the news. You never want to hear the "C" word, but here it is, close to home and close to our hearts. It is more than I can bear. I wish I could do it for her. Your mom has been there for me, always, fiercely loyal and steady, the rock of this family and someone we all lean on.One thing I know for sure is that Heavenly Father is going to take good care of her. I really know that. Our job is to give back to her. I told your mom to keep a journal of miracles, because they are and will keep happening. You don't want to forget.Hang in there Beanie! We are all praying for her,you, Jess, Jayden and your dad.Let's learn our own lessons from this.I love you Beanie!
"Call it a class, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." -Jane HowardI call it blessed! Some say you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family...I disagree; there is no such thing as luck. I'm glad I was home at Gma Kayes when your mom walked in the house and into Gpa's arms. Your mom sobbed, and a tear ran out of the corner of Gpa's eye. He understood her pain.I'm glad I was in the waiting room at the cancer clinic when your big-hearted dad swore us to secrecy.When the chips are down the family knows how to rally and there is no doubt in my mind that we will be blessed and that the "Mean Aunt" will prevail.